By Richard Cranium
This reporter hooked up on the phone with the Otter’s lanky, lumbering power forward sometimes center Gary Ahern last Sunday to discuss his season. Ahern had just come out of a ten game scoring drought, having potted the game winner on Friday with less than two minutes to play against the formidable Oldtimers.
Ahern (or pronounced Eh-hern back east) is a veteran of IOHA Wednesday and Friday night leagues. As you may recall he was a key component of the Wednesday’s Desert Dogs run to the keg a few seasons ago.
Gary is affectionately called the “Stork” by his teammates because he is tall, stands on one leg and lets out a “they’re killing me” bird call when he wants the puck.
I caught up with him around 2pm. He sounded a little hungover.
1. Gary, how do you see your game shaping up this season?
“I got off to a really good start, and then the floor fell out of my game. I think I was too involved in work, especially trying to get my house remodel approved by the city. I thought I was going to run out of influence funds.”
2. Your game seems to back now. What do you attribute that to?
“During that snide I wasn’t going up with the team to drink beer in Yak’s corner. I started going back about a week ago and I was really fired up Friday night since I knew I was going to get plastered with my pals Buck, Guy, Randolph and Emmanuel Saturday night.”
3. Is that why you sound a little hungover?
“No that’s just allergies.”
4. Have you played any other sports?
“There are two other sports that I used my height to my advantage. I loved playing water polo in pools that were only six feet deep. I found that I could stand on my toes and play a really good offensive game. In college, volleyball was my sport. I was on a traveling team that played against sixth graders and as you know the net for them was a little lower, so I could spike the ball right at them.”
5. Do you still play those sports?
“No, one of those sixth grade bastards kicked me in the balls. You don’t wear a cup in volleyball so it really hurt. I wanted to have kids so I gave up the sports where there is no cup.”
6. Is that how you got into hockey?
“Yes, where else can you have a 3”x 1” round hard rubber unit come flying at you. It’s not for sissies.”
7. The sport writers have noticed that you have an unusual skating style. How did that come about?
“Well I was always real good under the water and ice is just frozen water, right? So, I studied video tapes of people (there was just Jesus) and animals that adapted from under the water to the top of the water. Here is what I learned:
8. Any thoughts on making it to the show?
“I wouldn’t mind making it to the show at IOHA Tuesdays and Sundays night. Sometimes I go there, press my nose against the glass and dream about being out there.”
9. What if you didn’t make it?
“I do have a fall back plan. I’ve been opening a string of laundromats. I use the same business model as the gardening franchise company “Mow, Blow and Go’” and the restaurant chain “Chew and Screw”. I think I’m pretty smart too since my machines only use Canadian quarters. The Canadian dollar is set to outpace the American dollar, eh?
10. Is there anyone on the Otters that you admire?
“I think Big Alan Nolet is the shit! When he gets the puck, he is like a “bitch in heat”
and the other team becomes a pack of male dogs following him around. It leaves the
rest of us open for the pass.”
This reporter hooked up on the phone with the Otter’s lanky, lumbering power forward sometimes center Gary Ahern last Sunday to discuss his season. Ahern had just come out of a ten game scoring drought, having potted the game winner on Friday with less than two minutes to play against the formidable Oldtimers.
Ahern (or pronounced Eh-hern back east) is a veteran of IOHA Wednesday and Friday night leagues. As you may recall he was a key component of the Wednesday’s Desert Dogs run to the keg a few seasons ago.
Gary is affectionately called the “Stork” by his teammates because he is tall, stands on one leg and lets out a “they’re killing me” bird call when he wants the puck.
I caught up with him around 2pm. He sounded a little hungover.
1. Gary, how do you see your game shaping up this season?
“I got off to a really good start, and then the floor fell out of my game. I think I was too involved in work, especially trying to get my house remodel approved by the city. I thought I was going to run out of influence funds.”
2. Your game seems to back now. What do you attribute that to?
“During that snide I wasn’t going up with the team to drink beer in Yak’s corner. I started going back about a week ago and I was really fired up Friday night since I knew I was going to get plastered with my pals Buck, Guy, Randolph and Emmanuel Saturday night.”
3. Is that why you sound a little hungover?
“No that’s just allergies.”
4. Have you played any other sports?
“There are two other sports that I used my height to my advantage. I loved playing water polo in pools that were only six feet deep. I found that I could stand on my toes and play a really good offensive game. In college, volleyball was my sport. I was on a traveling team that played against sixth graders and as you know the net for them was a little lower, so I could spike the ball right at them.”
5. Do you still play those sports?
“No, one of those sixth grade bastards kicked me in the balls. You don’t wear a cup in volleyball so it really hurt. I wanted to have kids so I gave up the sports where there is no cup.”
6. Is that how you got into hockey?
“Yes, where else can you have a 3”x 1” round hard rubber unit come flying at you. It’s not for sissies.”
7. The sport writers have noticed that you have an unusual skating style. How did that come about?
“Well I was always real good under the water and ice is just frozen water, right? So, I studied video tapes of people (there was just Jesus) and animals that adapted from under the water to the top of the water. Here is what I learned:
8. Any thoughts on making it to the show?
“I wouldn’t mind making it to the show at IOHA Tuesdays and Sundays night. Sometimes I go there, press my nose against the glass and dream about being out there.”
9. What if you didn’t make it?
“I do have a fall back plan. I’ve been opening a string of laundromats. I use the same business model as the gardening franchise company “Mow, Blow and Go’” and the restaurant chain “Chew and Screw”. I think I’m pretty smart too since my machines only use Canadian quarters. The Canadian dollar is set to outpace the American dollar, eh?
10. Is there anyone on the Otters that you admire?
“I think Big Alan Nolet is the shit! When he gets the puck, he is like a “bitch in heat”
and the other team becomes a pack of male dogs following him around. It leaves the
rest of us open for the pass.”
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment