H1N1 at the IO?

By Richard Cranium

Two Fridays ago, an Otter came down with an apparent case of the swine flu.

Marty Heim the rookie netminder, who wears pads two sizes too small, had flu like symptoms the day after the game.


The team captain forced the players to a mandatory meeting at the City Pub for food and beverages after a lackluster 7pm game loss.

“I woke up on Saturday around noon and felt like shit,” said the lanky puckstop. “I didn’t want to do anything. I thought I had contracted the H1N1 virus the night before.”

Heim did recount on how he thought he got it. “Rob Genovesi was coming in on me and fired a loogie (editor’s note: wisconsin term for wad of spit and snot) in my face to distract me. I think that was the fatal bullet.”

Genovesi was visibly missing from his Wednesday night refereeing and many thought he was out with the virus.

“I do not and did not have the swine flu,” said Rob. “I was not refereeing the last two Wednesdays because I was having high colonic irrigation cleansings in preparation for my girlfriend’s Thanksgiving Day dinner.”


Heim did recover later in the day and was back to his old self as pictured in an earlier photo.


“I think I may have had too many beers and shots the night before,” Marty said sheepishly. “I really don’t know how I could have drunk so much since I only had five bucks in my wallet.”

Nonetheless, the management at the Ice Oasis is very concerned that a pandemic could erupt from the rink.

“I know we have ice with cracks and crevices in it,” said Tony. “The worst that can happen with that is a few broken legs and screwed up knees. I don’t think we want to become known as a cesspool for influenza.”

Chris Knight, director of adult hockey operations, contacted the National Institute of Health’s Dr. Vinnie Boombatz to get a better understanding of what can be done at the IO to ward off this virus.


“The virus crap stays on clothing for 48 hours and hard surfaces for 10-12 hours,” informed Boombatz. “Most human transmission is through sneezing, coughing, touching, fondling or puking on someone.”

The Ice Oasis management gathered more information and came to a conclusion.

“We must be more proactive in this situation,” said Knight after returning from the clinic for his flu vaccination. “Effective immediately, today November 31st, the Redwood City Ice Oasis is setting out these rules and protocols.”

1. The handshake lineup will be curtained until further notice. Who knows what lurks in the gloves and grows on the hands and under the fingernails.

Just shout out “good game” from a distance.

2. The referees will be outfitted with a mask and sanitary gloves along with their canes and sunglasses. These poor thankless individuals are the most susceptible to having someone spit venom on them after a bad call or no call.



3. The flush handles from all the toilets with be removed. Just imagine what’s on them!!! You can still use the toilet. It will flush automatically when the stuff gets to a certain level. This really works. Try it at home.


4. There will be no more subbing until further notice. Do you really think those sub jerseys are cleaned after each use? Remember, the virus stays on clothes for 48 hours. Also no showers will be available at the rink. For those that wish to shower after the game, arrangements have been made at this establishment down the street.


5. When entering (and exiting for that matter) the building, you must use the hand gel sanitizer. Take a big squirt of the goop, rub it on your hands and around your mouth and nose. We have live cameras in the building so we will know who doesn’t follow this rule. Your membership will be revoked.


6. Since the virus sticks to hard surfaces, we are going to be using this sanitized puck holder in all games. The goalies will love the size!


7. After a goal is scored, there will be no celebrating. Taunting and extreme celebrations have always been discouraged at the IO but accidental spitting may occur when a player yells especially that Wednesday night guy, Onur.


8. It is everyone’s responsibility to report people that look fatigued, might be wheezing, sweating or have stuff running out of their noses. We have hired a crack staff of onsite doctors to assist in helping the poor bastards out the door.


9. It is now optional, but highly recommended and may soon be mandatory, that you put your gear on at home, just like Jim Bohac, and drive to the rink. The less time you spend in the incubation, I mean, locker rooms, the better you will be.

10. We have added extra security at the Ice Oasis to keep out the sick and injured.


“By adhering to these rules, we at the Ice Oasis feel that we won’t lose anybody to the H1N1,” said Knight. “Hell, we can’t afford to lose any goalies at all!!!”

INTERVIEW with BO DALY

By Richard Cranium

Otter and Wednesday night Camel Bo Daly recently returned from a business trip to China where he purchased illegal green laser pointers. After a brief stay in the San Mateo county jail, he was off with his main squeeze to the NYC area and then on to the country of Guatemala for a cup of coffee. We caught up with him last Friday at Yak’s Corner after one of those 10:45pm games.

1. Bo, you seem to be missing a lot of games while you are jet setting around the world. Do you think that is affecting your game?


Well, I have to work to afford the fees at IOAH and the Guatemala thing was a wedding reception for friends of ours that are illegal aliens. I really did miss the games, especially Wednesday when we win. I don’t think being away hurt my game. The problem I have is with my skate sharpening. I used to fall all the time like in this picture.

On my last sharpening, I went with that new flat bottom V. It seems to be working. I’ve also been wearing these around the house to improve my balance.


2. You mentioned work. What is it that you actually do?


I can’t tell you what I do for Gazillion because of nondisclosure agreements but I can say it is in the gaming industry and I spend time in China. It’s a little like this on ice:




3. Your real given first name is Robert. How did the “Bo” moniker start?

When I was a kid, I was called Robert, Bob, Rob, Bert, Bobby, Robbie, Manny, Moe and Jack. I disliked all those names and wanted a first name that meant something to me. When I hit my teens, I played guitar and found my idol. I wanted to be named after him…Bo Diddley…so I called myself Diddley Daly. That didn’t work because I found out what it meant to be diddled ( http://www.yourdictionary.com/diddle ) I figured I would just stay with the Bo name, though I kind of like my new hockey name CUPCAKE.


4. Do you have some other interests outside of hockey and playing guitar?

Oh yes! I like to take pictures especially blurry ones with my finger in front of the lens.


I like to drive.


I go to lots of concerts. Here is one with midgets (editor’s note: little people).

I also like to eat. This is my favorite food.


It is lard made into animal figures and deep fried.


5. That looks real tasty but we heard your significant other has you on a vegetarian diet?

I do fall off the wagon at times with the deep fried lard. She keeps an eye on me like this:

and makes me eat this bland meal even the flowers:


She has a lot going on


so at times I sneak in a couple of these:



6. What is it that keeps her busy?

She is very creative and does drawings, sketches, doodles, illustrations and paintings. I modeled for this painting:


7. Do you two have any pets?

We have two cats. They are named after players on my favorite hockey team, Warner and Ahern. I was just kidding. They are called Carter and Emery after the Philadelphia Flyer guys, who are on a team that is currently behind Pittsburgh and New Jersey in their division.

8. Do they do any tricks like dogs do?

They are much smarter than dogs. Carter plays hockey

and Emery does our laundry.

Here is Carter learning to be homeless and living in a Pepsi box.


9. What is this “homeless” thing all about?

Our asshole landlady is having the building “tented” during the thanksgiving holidays. She found a dead rat that had horns

and now she wants all the tenants to move out so all the vermin can be exterminated. Karin has been in the living room practicing on how to live in the streets.


10. Sorry to hear that. Do you have any other news or personal goals that you would like to tell us?

I’ve been shaving my head for the last few years. I used to look like this:

There is a new theory that is in the early stages of research that implies if you put your head together with your friends, their hair will jump to your head as you pray.

“HEART OF GOLD” CONCERT REVIEW

By Amanda Lynn
Rolling Stone

Soon to be former Otter Julianne Francois (stage name) played before a standing room audience last Saturday at Redwood City’s Little Fox Theater. (editor's note: this venue is in foreclosure, the tables and chairs are gone so it was literally standing room).

The crowd was not to be disappointed.

Francois (married name Nolet) was the opening act for Pee Wee Herman. She brought her guitar and piano repertoire, guest musicians and effervescence personality to an excited crowd that included some beer drinking Otters.


The five foot six “I can only play the left side” singer had a mix of popular ballads, children songs and heavy duty hard rock except “Stairway to Heaven” and “Smoke on the Water” which she can’t play yet.

Her opening number, Heart of Gold, was an incredible rendition of singer/songwriter Neil Young’s only number one hit. Woodside local Young was in attendance and is seen here giving Jules his approval.

Her second song was a tribute to her teenage idol.


“The first guitar song I ever heard was by Jeanine Deckers, The Singing Nun,” recounted Francois. “I remember holding up the transistor radio to my ear and hearing “Dominique” and singing along.”

Dominique -nique -nique s'en allait tout simplement,
Routier, pauvre et chantant.
En tous chemins, en tous lieux,'
Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu,
Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu

Jules was accompanied on the piano by this cat:


Her third song took the crowd back to their younger days as first graders with this repetitive sing along:



No sooner had those lyrics been pounded into the audience’s head when this song started:



“I wanted to take the people back to a tranquil time in their lives,” recalled Jules. “I always found solace listening to my childhood record.”

Francois then introduced her band pictured here.

Bo Daly was on guitar while Jun Wei Bao played sax and Alan Nolet sang back up. Later on this quartet

performed these two songs with Jules.


After a brief intermission for beverages and food Francois took up her classical guitar and was joined on stage by some special guests. They played “Pop Goes the Weasel” and “This Old Man” where old-timer Tommy Muthig came on stage for this song and played the spoons.

Francois showed her diversity by going to the piano and knocking out some of these guys’
songs and also these guys.


The “Prince of Darkness” was brought in from back stage to the delight of the crowd and sang “I’m a Little Teapot” to the now inebriated rowdy gathering which included Ted Brown.

Her second to the last song “Jack Sprat” featured this banjo playing guest
singing to this backdrop.


By now the audience was out of control but Jules quieted them down with her final song of the night, her signature song
“Lady In Red”.

The after show poll affirmed that most people were there for headliner Herman’s yucks but came out of the theater blown away by Francois’ performance.

“I got there early so I could have a good standing room place for Pee Wee’s performance,” said Al K. Seltzer. “I’m so glad that I did. I saw the best concert of my life!”

San Mateo resident, Chip Munk said, “this concert brought me back to my childhood and did you see those hooters on the “cuchi-cuchi” lady Charo!”

“I was hoping to get Julianne’s CD of her music but there isn’t one,” said dejected Sawyer Dickey from nearby Menlo Park. “I did though, get one of her tour t-shirts in the lobby!”




This review: