H1N1 at the IO?

By Richard Cranium

Two Fridays ago, an Otter came down with an apparent case of the swine flu.

Marty Heim the rookie netminder, who wears pads two sizes too small, had flu like symptoms the day after the game.


The team captain forced the players to a mandatory meeting at the City Pub for food and beverages after a lackluster 7pm game loss.

“I woke up on Saturday around noon and felt like shit,” said the lanky puckstop. “I didn’t want to do anything. I thought I had contracted the H1N1 virus the night before.”

Heim did recount on how he thought he got it. “Rob Genovesi was coming in on me and fired a loogie (editor’s note: wisconsin term for wad of spit and snot) in my face to distract me. I think that was the fatal bullet.”

Genovesi was visibly missing from his Wednesday night refereeing and many thought he was out with the virus.

“I do not and did not have the swine flu,” said Rob. “I was not refereeing the last two Wednesdays because I was having high colonic irrigation cleansings in preparation for my girlfriend’s Thanksgiving Day dinner.”


Heim did recover later in the day and was back to his old self as pictured in an earlier photo.


“I think I may have had too many beers and shots the night before,” Marty said sheepishly. “I really don’t know how I could have drunk so much since I only had five bucks in my wallet.”

Nonetheless, the management at the Ice Oasis is very concerned that a pandemic could erupt from the rink.

“I know we have ice with cracks and crevices in it,” said Tony. “The worst that can happen with that is a few broken legs and screwed up knees. I don’t think we want to become known as a cesspool for influenza.”

Chris Knight, director of adult hockey operations, contacted the National Institute of Health’s Dr. Vinnie Boombatz to get a better understanding of what can be done at the IO to ward off this virus.


“The virus crap stays on clothing for 48 hours and hard surfaces for 10-12 hours,” informed Boombatz. “Most human transmission is through sneezing, coughing, touching, fondling or puking on someone.”

The Ice Oasis management gathered more information and came to a conclusion.

“We must be more proactive in this situation,” said Knight after returning from the clinic for his flu vaccination. “Effective immediately, today November 31st, the Redwood City Ice Oasis is setting out these rules and protocols.”

1. The handshake lineup will be curtained until further notice. Who knows what lurks in the gloves and grows on the hands and under the fingernails.

Just shout out “good game” from a distance.

2. The referees will be outfitted with a mask and sanitary gloves along with their canes and sunglasses. These poor thankless individuals are the most susceptible to having someone spit venom on them after a bad call or no call.



3. The flush handles from all the toilets with be removed. Just imagine what’s on them!!! You can still use the toilet. It will flush automatically when the stuff gets to a certain level. This really works. Try it at home.


4. There will be no more subbing until further notice. Do you really think those sub jerseys are cleaned after each use? Remember, the virus stays on clothes for 48 hours. Also no showers will be available at the rink. For those that wish to shower after the game, arrangements have been made at this establishment down the street.


5. When entering (and exiting for that matter) the building, you must use the hand gel sanitizer. Take a big squirt of the goop, rub it on your hands and around your mouth and nose. We have live cameras in the building so we will know who doesn’t follow this rule. Your membership will be revoked.


6. Since the virus sticks to hard surfaces, we are going to be using this sanitized puck holder in all games. The goalies will love the size!


7. After a goal is scored, there will be no celebrating. Taunting and extreme celebrations have always been discouraged at the IO but accidental spitting may occur when a player yells especially that Wednesday night guy, Onur.


8. It is everyone’s responsibility to report people that look fatigued, might be wheezing, sweating or have stuff running out of their noses. We have hired a crack staff of onsite doctors to assist in helping the poor bastards out the door.


9. It is now optional, but highly recommended and may soon be mandatory, that you put your gear on at home, just like Jim Bohac, and drive to the rink. The less time you spend in the incubation, I mean, locker rooms, the better you will be.

10. We have added extra security at the Ice Oasis to keep out the sick and injured.


“By adhering to these rules, we at the Ice Oasis feel that we won’t lose anybody to the H1N1,” said Knight. “Hell, we can’t afford to lose any goalies at all!!!”