Interview with Max "The Kid"

By Dickie Dunn - TMZ Hockey - Online

In a much needed infusion of youth, the IOAH Otter’s minor league development team, the Desert Dogs, have signed speedy and precocious center, Max “The Kid”. 

(This reporter has chosen not to reveal Max’s actual last name due to the fact that he still has quite a long future ahead of him, and I would hate for him to miss out on the potential swing-shift assistant manager position at McDonalds, because of something that was revealed on the internet. – remember… this shit stays around forever).

I had a chance to sit down with Max after a recent IOAH Desert Dog victory against the league leading Sahara Desert.

DD:        Max, you had quite a game tonight. Two goals and an assist. In fact, you almost had six additional goals except you just could not seem to stick-handle and slip between the three defensive players in front of the net.

Max:      Yah, I know. Yuha and Onur were wide open, but I figured I could dazzle the defense walk right through those three guys.

DD:        You have seemed to bring a much needed element of youth to the Desert Dogs.

Max:       You know it Dog! (no pun intended).  These guys a great group of guys, but let’s face it, they are old. I have not seen such an assortment of old people since Grandparents Day at my college.

DD:        I see you attended Occidental College in Los Angeles. What did you study?

Max:      Occidental, or Oxy as we call it is a liberal arts school, so I basically did not study anything. I did however, get into a bit of ‘situation’ with the Dean’s daughter, so my father, who is a high powered attorney suggested that I go abroad for nine months while till things blew over.

DD:        Is that how you ended up in South East Asia?

Max:      You know it.  Korea has some of the most lenient extradition laws, so it seemed pretty safe.

DD:        You taught English while you were there?

Max:      That’s right.  Due to Interpol  regulations, my father had to stop funding my bank account, so I needed to start earning my own money (Won).   God knows I like to talk, so it seemed only natural that I found a job teaching English.  Besides, you know how much Korean tail you can get when you speak English and they think you can get them a Green Card? 

DD:        Did you play a lot of hockey in Korea?

Max:      I was the Bomb! They all called me ‘흰색 악마’, which I think means, “star player”..I was able to tear up the ice over there.  But I will tell you, Korean ice sucks bigtime! Even worse than Ice Oasis ice.

DD:        Being only 24, do you ever look at the guys playing professional hockey and realize that they are your age?

Max:      I know it. I look at those guys playing and think, Gosh that could be me if I only had the strength, size, speed, ability, motivation and talent….  I blame Steve Irvine.

DD:        You mean Steve Irvine the Desert Dogs star defenseman and beer aficionado?

Max:      Yup, that’s him.. When I was growing up and my nanny would drop me off at the rink to keep me busy while she went and visited her boyfriend, I would look up and see all those Polar banners and dream, ‘One day I will be a Polar’.  You see, Irvine was the coach of the Polars and had been churning out NHL prospects like Hans Benson for a number of years.  I was looking forward to his tutelage, but as soon as I was old enough, Steve retired.  Thinking back, I was devastated.  I understand the reason why the rink needed to start doing background checks on coaches, but it did force away many quality coaches.

DD:        Being only 24 and having international hockey experience must really be a benefit for The Desert Dogs.

Max:      I was really digg’n my role as the kid, but that only lasted a few games.  Before I knew it, they signed some 21 year old phenom out of the University of Arizona, and I was suddenly now just another near middle-aged, adult beer league center living with shattered dreams…

DD:        Come on. Shattered dreams?  You are 24 years old. How shattered could your dreams be at this point in your life?  I mean, you are not a gymnast. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Max:      I know Dog. I am just being drama queen.. I have number of things I would like to accomplish ahead of me.  

DD:        Like what?

Max:      I got the crazy plan to develop an App that allows people to connect and “hook up” based solely on their favorite dinosaur.  Think about it.  It would be huge.  You’re out drink’n with the guys and after a few Jell-O-Shots you get the “urge-to-merge”, so you whip out your iPhone and enter in your favorite dinosaur, and ba-da-bing! You get paired up with some hot Stanford gymnast who also likes Stegosaurus. I would call it “What’s Your Favorite Dinosaur?”

DD:        That seems like it could be pretty popular.

Max:      I think the hard part would be to filter out all the 4-6 year olds' who would accidentally download it.  But once I figure that out, it would ROCK.. I would write code so that all those douchbags who would pick T-Rex or Pterodactyls would automatically just get set up with some nasty piece of peanut eat’n trailer-park skank.

P/Otter Forward Recognized.

P/Otter Forward Recognized.

The recent P/Otter free-agent signing of speedy & bruising forward Mike “maya angelou” Ralston has bolstered the offence, but has also added an accomplished poet laureate to teams depth chart. Ralston was recently recognized at the America Society of Mid-Aged Bow Hunter & Muscle Car national convention, held at the prestigious Al’s Motor Lodge & Liquor Barn in Badger Nads, Wisconsin. Mike received the prestigious Staggering Elk Award for his latest poem entitled,

“Marty & Alan’s Excellent Adventure”

Marty Marty shot his darty
rubbed in scent of new bull party
Played it cool
but wait, wait, wait
need grey bull Alan to find this date...

6x6 says my math-wiz table
a manly sum, a hard-won prize
drawn and quartered or boned and hauled
this day of joy, enjoyed by all*

inedible to some & delectable to you
indefensible, primal or regrettable --
but un-believable...I think
here's hoping the bull family doesn't sue
and...that's MISTER Incredibull to you
(just not at the rink)

This is quite an honor for Ralston as well as the entire P/Otter organization.

Team Updates

Dicky Dunn

TMZ Online ….

(quick update on team status)

Much like all wildly successful TV sit-coms or Oscar wining movies, spin-offs are inevitable. Pair this with a narcissistic need of new management to feel their importance in the work place, and you have a summary of the last 3 months of life at the rink.

What does this all mean?

The wildly successful Otter Organization was recently set upon by the IOAH Management, U.S. Department of Justice and the Canadian Adult Beer League Federation (and yes, there is a Canadian Children’s Beer League Federation up in Nova Scotia).

After several very private, closed door sessions, it was determined that for the betterment of international trade relations, the Otters needed to be dismantled and split apart into two teams.

It appears that the division was based on the “Logan’s Run Principal” and that almost everybody over the age of 40 was removed from the Otters and exiled to the historically under-achieving Polars team.

As recently retired defenseman/ team diva David Warner states,

“The Polars have ain’t never won shit!”

Was this done with the best interest on the league in mind?... Well that seems to be the statement from recently appointed IOAH Director Robert Lahey Jr. There are other factions who feel that it was done in a punitive attempt to have the two teams turn on themselves and destroy the Otter Organization from with-in..

please note that this reporter will cease from politicking anymore primarily because he’s afraid he might be erased from the annals of IOAH history….or at least the photo archive - http://molenda.us/photos/ioah/byname/

Did he acually say "Classless"?

Dickie Dunn
(Glad to be back from Betty Ford & Jenny Craig)

In an unprecedented move, representatives of USA Hockey, USA Amateur Hockey, I.O.C., Canadian Adult Hockey, KLM, and The Inuit Adult Rec League Hockey & Dog Sledding Association are investigating allegations of point shaving, game fixing and all around poor sportsmanship associated with an IOAH game scheduled last evening.


An email submitted by a person only identified as “J”, accuses the IOAH Otters hockey team of intently forfeiting last night’s 10:45 pm contest against their longtime rivals the Intangibles. In the email “J” accuses the Otter Organization of not following the “expected steps to assure a game could be played”. “J” went on to say that a game eventually was played and the 5 players of the Intangibles team were, in fact, able to play a game in which they had “cleared time in their schedules”, “gotten babysitters or approval from their spouses” (this authors favorite) and or “commuted to the rink”.


When asked for comment, Otters CFO and mother of the teams General Manger, Jules Nolet issued a statement in which did not specifically address the issue of last evening other than listing the series of conflicting pre-scheduled events that prohibited the Otters membership from attending last nights game.



Jules explained that Otters plucky forward Bo Daly was attending an amateur tryout for the Chinese National Team: Defenseman/ coach David Warner is finishing up a stint on the IR with an undisclosed (yet very public) “lower-body” injury: Speedy forward and team psychiatrist, Jeremy Wilkinson, was presenting a presentation on “Avoiding Chairs and other Hazards of the ER” and Otter goalie, simply known as the Tarantula, was on a date with TV and film Star Mary-Louse Parker.


In an attempt to get the full impact of last nights events, this reporter contacted several other key groups and individuals to get there take on the situation.


I talked with Mark Rogers, the rostered goalie for the IOAH Sahara Desert, the Otters top development program. Mark clearly pointed out that he “is not an Otter” and thus “does not have a dog in this fight.” He would not comment any further, saying he had to run to play a BB game in San Jose.


When I spoke with a representative of the Nazareth Group, the ownership entity of the Ice Oasis, their reply was. “.. we own a hockey rink?”

Former 49er head coach Mike Singletary, said “he had to watch the game film before making any assessment”


Chris Knight, the IOAH League Commissioner, refused to comment publicly, but did offer up that outcome of the game that was scheduled to be played had no impact on the final league standings.



It seems to this reporter that the only individuals that suffered from the Otters shenanigans, was the ownership of the, Michelin rated, Ice Oasis Grill. Head Sous Chef Bobby stated that their profits were down 87% due to the absence of the Otter Team. He had just changed the oil in the deep fryer and was “hoping for a record run on Buffalo wings.”


With the regular season now finished and the playoffs starting up next week, this reported is giddy like a school girl about how this could play out. The Otters and the Intangibles are clearly among the top eight teams in the league and a late round playoff matchup between these two sworn mortal enemies could provide more fireworks than has been seen since the, now immortal, 1914 match up of the St John’s Loonies and their cross –ice-flow rivals the Ruskula Seal Harpooners. – And we all recall how that ended.


If indeed these two teams meet in the playoffs, I have been told that CSN-Comcast Bay Area has expressed an interest in airing the match-up as a Pay-per-View event.


A classless move by the Otters? Maybe!. Did the Intangibles have it coming? Probably. Another classic story entered in the annals of hockey lore to be relived over many pints of cold beer? Definitely!


I am even told, that season ticket sales for the upcoming IOAH season has reached an all time high.


See you on the Ice
D.D.

IN MEMORIAM DICKIE DUNN

January 5th 2010…Hockey Hall of Fame, Toronto Canada

The hockey world lost one of its most beloved sports writers when Dickie Dunn was taken from us tragically.



Dunn was in Boston covering the 2010 Winter Classic between the Boston Bruins and Bo Daly’s pathetic Philadelphia Flyers. He was found the night of January 1st frozen and nude in a snow bank in left field of Fenway Park.

“He was discovered by a groundskeeper around 11:45pm,” said Sgt. Dilbert Pickles of the Boston City Police. “It appears from all indications that there was no foul play even though he was close to the fair play line.”

“He was clutching his favorite number 2 pencil in his right hand and except for his glasses, he was completely naked.”

Boston CSI ascertained that Dunn forget his lucky pencil and returned to get it after he had gone back to his room for the night. Dunn had been diagnosed with a form of dementia called Pick’s disease in 2005. He has had recent episodes of forgetting to get dressed and not returning home. A Boston Police official believes Dunn didn’t know where he was, stood there, froze to death and fell into the pile of snow.

“I was getting ready to go in and turn off the lights when I stumbled on something in the snow,” recalled groundskeeper Harden Long. “I took this picture.”


Richard “Dickie” Dunn was born March 22nd 1935 in Ogdensburg, a small town in northern New York, across the St Lawrence River and a short drive from the birthplace of hockey, Kingston, Ontario.

He went to elementary and high school in his hometown then had a decision to make on universities. He lived close to Canton and Potsdam where St Lawrence and Clarkson Universities where located.

In his autobiography “Over and Dunn” Dickie spoke of his decision for higher education.

“Only dipshits and knuckleheads go to Clarkson,” lampooned Dunn. “It was a no brainer to attend St Lawrence.”

After college, Dunn travelled and worked in Canada as a cub reporter for small town papers until he landed an internship with the Toronto Globe and Mail.

Sportswriter and Hall of Famer Scott Young said this of Dickie at Dunn’s Hall of Fame induction in 2002.

“The Dickster had a Shakespearean way of putting the game down on paper. He could see nothing and make something of it.”

“My favorite article was his interview with the Pope after his rec league game with the Pagans.”




Dunn returned to the USA and took the position of sports editor of the Charlestown Times-Herald.

“I met up with some real characters on that 1977 Charlestown Chiefs championship team,” recounted Dunn in his book.
“I never met a group of guys that could play hockey and drink like that. And that coach, Reggie Dunlop, had more bullshit than a cattle farm.”


The Charlestown Chiefs won the Federal League championship that year on a forfeit.

Dunn went on to report at every World, Olympic and Stanley Cup championship. He was a contributor to Sports Illustrated, Field and Stream, Hockey News, Otter Blog, USA Today, Hockey Digest and Busty Beauties. He wrote and compiled books like Total Hockey, Century of Hockey, Shoot the Puck, Keep Your Head Up and Two Hands on The Stick.

“As I’m the top in my game of sports casting, Dickie was that in writing the stories,” articulated Don Cherry. “He was never a good dresser like me though!”


Dickie slowed down in the last few years and picked the events and articles that he wanted to write about.

“Out of all the games and championships that I have followed none have compared to the Friday night Otters winning their first Keg” Dunn had said in his book.


“Those hockey players were a wacky band of misfits. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.”

As per Dickie’s wishes, his viewing and funeral services were held in Canada. He became a naturalized Canadian citizen in 1962.

“I had only one regret in my life,” Dunn said in his memoirs. “I wish my parents lived about five miles more to the north. I would have been born a Canadian and had a chance to play hockey rather than writing about it. Most Americans think “icing” is something on a cake!”

About 15,000 mourners, including hockey royalty who arrived from across the country and Canada, attended the three twenty minute periods with ten minute intermissions for beer memorial service at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto.

Longtime friend, architect and fellow scribe Gary Ahern of the Ice Oasis Redwood City Otters gave the eulogy.

“Dickie was an inspiration to me. I feel like he was a part of me,” whimpered Ahern. “I just don’t know if I can go on.”

Dunn’s casket was carried the one block distance from the Air Canada Centre to his resting place in the Hockey Hall of Fame by these six pallbearers:



Dunn was predeceased by his wife of 28 years, Francine, and surviving are his two sons Dr. Count Dunn, a proctologist in Los Angeles (lots of assholes there) and B. E. Dunn #3758493 in Folsom (serving an 8-10 for sports memorabilia fraud).

The family requests in lieu of flowers, send hefty donations to the Otter-Camel beer fund in care of the law firm Beatem, Cheatem and Howe, Woodside California.

2010 Resolutions, Predictions and Confessions

By Richard Cranium

The Winter Classic is over, the NHL season is half done, the Ice Oasis playoffs are in three weeks and the Otter outing to the Sharks game is today, Saturday January 2nd.

This would be a good time to check in with a few of the Otters and the Wednesday night developmental team, Camels, to get some comments (true or not).

Pesky dman Jun Wei Bao is very enthusiastic about the Olympics in Vancouver.

“This is definitely the year for the Chinese men to win the gold medal in ice hockey,” said Bao. “My country has polluted the air and has contributed to all this global warming. Because of this, the Canadians have not been able to build backyard rinks nor have their ponds, lakes and rivers frozen over. China has taken the skill advantage away from these players. We have waited hundreds of years to be the best in hockey!!!”


(editor’s note: we didn’t have the heart to tell Jun Wei that China doesn’t have an Olympic hockey team)

As some of you may know, Camel defenseman and Danish import Niels Mortenson commutes to work here in Silicon Valley from Kansas City. Here he is leaving his driveway for the trip back.


Chuck Jewett (I can use his last name here) has been so upset that one his team mates (Alan) called him out in the dressing room about his physique.

“I spent the whole holiday season fasting, working out and getting into better shape,” said the pissed off forward. “I now have this great six pack!!!”


Otter defense person Jules Nolet, who is really 5’8” not 5’6” as previously reported, spent the holiday updating her Camel wardrobe.

“I have all my formal Otter soiree clothes and needed to get better Camel outfits,” said Jules. “You never know when the fashion police will be around.”

Here is her new outfit:


Veteran Wednesday night player Joe Giammarco recently confessed to one of his addictions.

“When I was a kid growing up in New York state, I acted out and played dress up,” admitted Joe.


Giammarco continued his story. “I didn’t have much money when I went to Dartmouth so I dressed up as Keggy the Keggar at all sports events to earn money and get free beers.”


“After college, I finally met a wonderful woman that I could share my passion. Here I am.”



Otter forward and Oklahoma cast out Bill Murray has a pet peeve.

“Every time I’m introduced to someone they always tell me Caddy Shack was one the funniest movies they ever saw,” said the non humorless Murray. “Then they ask me what it was like to be in Groundhog Day and Ghostbusters.”

“Do I really look like this guy?”



Some of the Otters (Gary) were wondering if power forward, toe dragging, team psychiatrist Jeremy W.(last name withheld) was as even keeled as he appeared. They went so far as enlisting the US Postal service’s help in checking Jeremy’s outgoing mail. Here is what they found:

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a Washington Capitals uniform. I destroyed my brain working the whole year. Not only was I the best shrink, but I had the nuttiest people in the whole hospital.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my patients, my team mates, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a broken stick. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that shark jersey wearing little shit across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll f**k you up. I'll shoot pucks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike. F**K YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,
Little Jeremy

Well after all that, the Otters still have their TOMMY to keep them grounded!!!!


Camel goalie Marc Rogers wondered why he has to look at Tirso’s fat ass and the Ice Oasis can’t spring for decent ice cleaners like they have in Calgary!


Onur “I can’t wait for Wednesdays” Alakas is hoping that 2010 will see his new venture take off.

“I was going to start a business that had a hockey theme,” said the happy Finn. “After much research, I’ve decided to be an underwater boxing promoter. It’s a real big sport in my native country!!”


Hunting buddies Marty Heim and Alan Nolet have heard enough jokes about their fruitless elk hunting adventures. They are going to try some new tactics in 2010.

“While Marty’s been doing nothing, I’ve been reading up on some new techniques on how to improve,” said Nolet. “I think our problem is the tree blind. I think this will work except I have to figure out how to get the bow in my hands.”


Gamester Bo Daly recently revealed that he is so obsessive with video games that he had his car’s engine tricked out with a Nintendo game.


Predictions by the Canadian Otter for 2010:

Keg……Camels
Keg…….Otters
Gold……Canada
Cup…….Sharks

Gary will not be at the game!!!

Interview with Charles W. Jewett , P.E.

By Richard Cranium

Reliable forward and sometimes rickety defenseman Chuck Jewett is one of two original Otters on the current team.

His storied hockey career started before face shields, plexiglass, hi-tech scoreboards and showers in the dressing rooms.

We caught up with Chuck on the phone, hands free, as he was driving a bunch of girls’ club volleyball players to a tournament.

1. Chuck, as one of the oldest players to ever lace them up, what have you seen change in hockey over the last few decades?

Before I answer any questions, I want to make sure this is not being recorded or will not be shown on any public forum. I need to keep my NSA/CIA clearance at the top level because I need my job to pay for all this gas and my IOAH monthly membership fee which I hear is going up next year.

Chuck, the blog administrator can assure you that no one will ever read this (wink, wink).

Ok then, the biggest change I’ve seen is the equipment. I used to wear rolled up Life magazines, sometimes Playboy with the pictures removed, as shin guards. There were no elbow or shoulder pads in the early days. We just used to put on a couple of layers of underwear for padding. Every pair of gloves had no palms and the pants were recycled diapers like the ones Torelli wore one game. There was no vulcanized rubber in those days so we used frozen horse turds as pucks. But the biggest change was in the head gear. We used to have a tuque

on our head since we played outdoors then hockey went indoors so we had to wear helmets to protect our heads from falling debris. This was my first helmet.


2. Since you brought up the helmet thing, yours stands out because it’s blue and we heard that it a customized one?

This is my current helmet.

I’ve outfitted it with all the modern technology. I can listen to music while I’m on the bench between shifts and call and talk with the family while I’m out there skating hard. As far as the color, hockey is a team sport but you have to have some individualism in it too. I could have had a yellow helmet but I didn’t want to look like a bumblebee. Most guys have the plain black or white helmets and just blend in. I wear this t-shirt under my jersey and it says it all.

Most people think I wear a blue helmet because I’m a Toronto or Montreal fan but that is not the case. When I was a kid this blue helmeted guy really made an impression on me.


3. I see some special padding in your helmet. Is that to keep that University of Washington/Berkeley brain intact when you hit the ice?

I have had some episodes of head smacking the ice in the last few seasons but the padding is necessary to keep my hair in place. I don’t like to get helmet head and since I never shower after the game, I want to look good up in Yak’s Corner after the game. You know I was voted nicest hair on the team for the last six years.


4. Speaking of after the game up in the Ice Oasis lounge, your team mates notice that you don’t drink beer with them. Why?

The guys have been razing me about my middle tire so I’m cutting back on the carbs. Also, at a recent Sharks game I was traumatized by these beer fans.


5. In researching for this interview, it came to light that your family stresses an education.

Yes, the missus and I both have Master degrees. She got hers from a school

that I can’t even talk about because one of my team mates goes ballistic when he hears it. I’ve been a Huskie and a Bear so I’m a macho type of guy. Our son goes to a school with ugliest football uniforms, University of Oregon Ducks.

Our daughter, hopefully will go to Cal State Monterey, the Otters, or she can go to any school in the country except Oregon State. Imagine being a girl and your school mascot is a beaver! Not cool!!!


6. Sounds like you’re going to have to lay out a lot of money for tuitions?

Not really. My son and I started a cottage industry in our garage. I go out and swipe all the broken sticks from the rink and he makes them into furniture.

It pays for his tuition. Our website:
http://cozywinters.com/skichair/

7. You seem to have an interesting job. Can you tell us about it or is it a secret with a multitude of nondisclosure agreements?

I’m a senior engineer, not a Caltrain guy, but a mechanical one with pencils and pocket protectors. I get to smash things up like bicycles, recreational equipment and medical devices.I’ve been doing it for over 30 years and every day is fun! I do sample punch tests for stress corrosion cracking and fatigue. Then our client can sue some poor bastard for negligence.

8. This season, the Otters are struggling. Do you have any insight into their performance?

There are ten of us from last season’s Otter Keg team and an import from the Wednesday Keg team, so we have the players and talent. We have won two out of the last three Kegs. Before this season, as a team, we decided to throw the regular season games. That is why we are in last place. We wanted to have fun and not be so serious, even though Ted is on injured reserve. The word around the Ice Oasis rink was the Otters were assholes. We were a tight knit group and had few openings for subs since we showed up for our games.

9. Is the strategy working?

I think so. We made it known that we aren’t assholes. As a matter of fact there is already a team of assholes. You can only have one! We’re getting the word out that we’d rather be dicks. Most of the other teams are now calling us dicks so that makes us happy. Some of the biggest dicks are on the Otter team!

10. The Otters have had a revolving door of goalies this season, around nine so far. Now you have a rookie in net. How do the playoffs look with Marty in goal?

It’s still too early to tell. Marty’s only played two games and is one and one. He missed last week’s game and will be out this Friday as he is getting an oil and lube up in Portland. I hear the Tarantula will be making a guest appearance for the 10:45pm against the Polars.

11. Do you have any words of wisdom for the readers?

Besides, always keep your head up, two hands on the stick, shoot the puck deep and always wear a helmet,

I’ll leave your audience to ponder these questions:
Why is the sky blue?
Why aren’t there sleeves on a vest?
Why doesn’t a snake have armpits?
Why is an orange orange?

And my favorite joke:
Question: If little Johnny is up high in a tree and falls out, what color is the grass?
Answer: There was no grass, he fell on concrete!