Otter Hockey Club: 2010 Resolutions, Predictions and Confessions

By Richard Cranium

The Winter Classic is over, the NHL season is half done, the Ice Oasis playoffs are in three weeks and the Otter outing to the Sharks game is today, Saturday January 2nd.

This would be a good time to check in with a few of the Otters and the Wednesday night developmental team, Camels, to get some comments (true or not).

Pesky dman Jun Wei Bao is very enthusiastic about the Olympics in Vancouver.

“This is definitely the year for the Chinese men to win the gold medal in ice hockey,” said Bao. “My country has polluted the air and has contributed to all this global warming. Because of this, the Canadians have not been able to build backyard rinks nor have their ponds, lakes and rivers frozen over. China has taken the skill advantage away from these players. We have waited hundreds of years to be the best in hockey!!!”

(editor’s note: we didn’t have the heart to tell Jun Wei that China doesn’t have an Olympic hockey team)

As some of you may know, Camel defenseman and Danish import Niels Mortenson commutes to work here in Silicon Valley from Kansas City. Here he is leaving his driveway for the trip back.

Chuck Jewett (I can use his last name here) has been so upset that one his team mates (Alan) called him out in the dressing room about his physique.

“I spent the whole holiday season fasting, working out and getting into better shape,” said the pissed off forward. “I now have this great six pack!!!”

Otter defense person Jules Nolet, who is really 5’8” not 5’6” as previously reported, spent the holiday updating her Camel wardrobe.

“I have all my formal Otter soiree clothes and needed to get better Camel outfits,” said Jules. “You never know when the fashion police will be around.”

Here is her new outfit:

Veteran Wednesday night player Joe Giammarco recently confessed to one of his addictions.

“When I was a kid growing up in New York state, I acted out and played dress up,” admitted Joe.

Giammarco continued his story. “I didn’t have much money when I went to Dartmouth so I dressed up as Keggy the Keggar at all sports events to earn money and get free beers.”

“After college, I finally met a wonderful woman that I could share my passion. Here I am.”

Otter forward and Oklahoma cast out Bill Murray has a pet peeve.

“Every time I’m introduced to someone they always tell me Caddy Shack was one the funniest movies they ever saw,” said the non humorless Murray. “Then they ask me what it was like to be in Groundhog Day and Ghostbusters.”

“Do I really look like this guy?”

Some of the Otters (Gary) were wondering if power forward, toe dragging, team psychiatrist Jeremy W.(last name withheld) was as even keeled as he appeared. They went so far as enlisting the US Postal service’s help in checking Jeremy’s outgoing mail. Here is what they found:

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a Washington Capitals uniform. I destroyed my brain working the whole year. Not only was I the best shrink, but I had the nuttiest people in the whole hospital.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my patients, my team mates, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a broken stick. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that shark jersey wearing little shit across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll f**k you up. I'll shoot pucks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike. F**K YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,
Little Jeremy

Well after all that, the Otters still have their TOMMY to keep them grounded!!!!

Camel goalie Marc Rogers wondered why he has to look at Tirso’s fat ass and the Ice Oasis can’t spring for decent ice cleaners like they have in Calgary!

Onur “I can’t wait for Wednesdays” Alakas is hoping that 2010 will see his new venture take off.

“I was going to start a business that had a hockey theme,” said the happy Finn. “After much research, I’ve decided to be an underwater boxing promoter. It’s a real big sport in my native country!!”

Hunting buddies Marty Heim and Alan Nolet have heard enough jokes about their fruitless elk hunting adventures. They are going to try some new tactics in 2010.

“While Marty’s been doing nothing, I’ve been reading up on some new techniques on how to improve,” said Nolet. “I think our problem is the tree blind. I think this will work except I have to figure out how to get the bow in my hands.”