Friday, October 30, 2009

A DAY WITH THE STANLEY KEG


By Richard Cranium

As some of you may know all members of the Stanley Cup winning team get to have the Cup for a day. http://www.hhof.com/html/exSCJ_2009.shtml

What you may not know is that the winning team members at the Redwood City Ice Oasis also get a day with the Stanley Keg.

The custodian of the Keg is Alex the grill/restaurant manager.

“I have the task of keeping the Keg in a secure place and traveling with it on the days that the players have it,” said Alex. “I keep it here in the Ice Oasis cellar situated near the Full Sail kegs. I would never put it near Bud, Miller or those other shitty beers. Tirso, our ice jockey, is in charge of security and hired these two to keep an eye on it when the rink is closed.”

Alex went on to say that he doesn’t use the white gloves like the Cup people.
“I like to have a new pair of Playtex gloves in my back pocket,” explained Alex. “This Keg goes to a lot of strange places and there’s a great amount of drinking. People throw up all the time. The cotton gloves won’t hold up.”

The Otter’s developmental team and Wednesday night Keg champions, Arabian Knights, recently had their individual turns with the Keg. This is what they did on their day with the Stanley Keg.
Jules…. “I tried putting the Keg on the mantle where I showcased the stolen holiday tournament trophy (see june 28th 2008 article) but it didn’t fit,” said the little fireplug. “I really wanted to just stare at it so I put it on here …Tôi chỉ hy vọng nó không xước piano của tôi!

Gary…. “I may have missed Wednesday’s Keg game but I still deserve to have the Keg for a day,” yelled power forward Ahern. “I had to sneak in after hours to get it. I had a nice hiding place built in the Casa Ahern. Nobody will ever find it!!!”

Darryl retired after the season. He will be joining goalie Torelli on the World Poker Tour. He took the Keg down to Bay 101

Bill “I took the Keg over to the bar and showed my other team, the Chieftains.” said the former Arabian Knight. “I don’t know why I got traded right after the season. At least it was for two “A” players. Now I’m on a team with guys that speak another language and all they can say to me is "Стреляй шайбу!"”


Onur took the Keg for a week on his trip to these places. He figured it would look good on his resume.





Juha….
"Halusin tämä päivä on hyvin erikoista. Tämä oli minun ensimmäinen jääkiekon mestaruuden, ja minun täytyy kertoa teille tämän omalla äidinkielellä, koska meillä on paljon vokaaleja, sanoi Suomen Terror. "Otin sen kaikkialla minua ja lopulta oli jäätelö kartio sen kanssa!"


David spent the day drinking all the beer out of the Keg.

Bo…. “Alex was nice enough to bring the Keg over to the County jail,” explained the speedy forward. “I was falsely arrested for aiming a green laser pen at incoming jet pilots coming into SFO.” Daly did say he met some interesting people in lockup and learned how to carjack, break and enter and get into bar fights. Daly was released after admitting to only aiming the laser pen at county buildings. For that, he and his fiancée will be kicked out of their apartment for Thanksgiving.

Marc took the Keg over to the Shark’s game to show his hero what you get for winning a championship. Nabby, pictured here, almost passed out from fright and had to be helped off the ice by the trainer. He will never see the Cup in his lifetime!

Joe….. “I didn’t do anything special for the day,” commented Joe. “I just walked around like this… with a big smile on my face.” The pesky forward sometimes d-man did say his arms hurt like hell the next day but he did get some potential endorsements for deodorants.

Yung-i was so excited to get his day with the Keg that he intended to build a shelf for it and put up a framed team picture. Unfortunately he drilled his hand and had to have surgery for nerve damage and is out for a few months. He did get a nice gift from his workers for his efforts!!!

Niels wasn’t allowed to physically take the Keg out of the Bay area since he missed the championship game. “I took a picture of the Keg,” said the Danish import. “I wanted to show all those K.C. sports losers what a REAL team does. They have no fans back there. No one shows up for their games!!”

Jun Wei missed his opportunity to have the Keg for the day. “I don’t know what happened,” said the forward/d-man. “I was watching on the live Ice Oasis cam for my time slot. I got there on time but was told I missed my appointment with the Keg by one day. I don’t like Wednesdays anyway so I’m moving to Fridays, so there!!!”

Aden the General Manager took the Keg to his first grade class. The teacher had the class draw hockey images:



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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

ICE OASIS CLOSED?

By Richard Cranium

Recent email from Redwood City Ice Oasis:

TO ALL MEMBERS:
Due to the extreme weather we are having flooding issues and leak issues. We are unfortunately forced to cancel all games for this evening. All games will be rescheduled, a date has yet to be determined. Tomorrow Wednesday 14th, will go as scheduled for the time being. We are hoping the rain will let up enough to be able work on the issues. Thank you everyone,and sorry
about the situation.

Say it isn’t so Joe! The beloved Redwood City Ice Oasis is gone?

The recent rain storm, the leaky upstairs shower, the running downstairs toilet, the tired pipes and the exploding compressor have put the kibosh on the rink.

“I came to work on Tuesday and couldn’t believe what I saw in the parking lot,” said ice jockey Tirso. “There were flooded cars!”


Recently, the new owners, Nazareth Management Company had been upgrading the facilities inside and out. The parking lot was recently paved but the company doing the job filled in the storm drains.

“I really don’t think that was an issue,” said Tony the rink manager. “Even the streets were flooded and the neighbors had a tough time getting around.”


Tony went on to say that the problem is more inside than outside. “We have a leaky ceiling so we had to put buckets on the ice to catch the water. It sort of looks like a cone drill out there.”

An inspection team went into the basement of the facility to check out the piping.


“It doesn’t look good under there,” said Santa Clara volunteer firefighter and “sometimes shows up hockey player” Mike Ralston. “If it was my place, I would raze it to the ground, start over and build a senior citizen retirement home.”

Adult hockey director Chris Knight is keeping his fingers crossed that everything will work out. “I should be sending out an email today giving an update on tonight’s schedule,” voiced the ever optimistic “I can turn lemons into lemonade” Knight. “If it doesn’t work out I have a plan for underwater hockey!”
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

OTTERS LOOKING FOR A GOALIE!



By Richard Cranium

WANTED: A rostered goalie for the Friday night Otters

That should be the help wanted ad that Otter GM Aden Nolet needs to place. The defending Keg champs are now the cellar dwelling chumps this current season. With only two wins in 10 games and a dismal 5.0 g.a.a., the Otters can only look up in the standings.

“We certainly appreciate the help that we received from the sub goalies,” said Otter mainstay Tommy Muthig. “I don’t know if it is not having a regular goalie or our defensive structure has fallen apart. I know that I haven’t coughed the puck up more than last season so that can’t be it. We have a new d guy from the developmental team in the foursome, another guy is nearing 60 and the fourth regular defense person is distracted by music. We haven’t had a full lineup of forwards so there has been no consistency in our play.”

GM Nolet has tried to plug the hole left by former backstop Mark Torelli who left the team in a salary dispute and is now on the World Poker Tour. Torelli could not be reached for comment but is pictured here at a recent tournament.


Nolet has had talks with developmental Wednesday night Camel goalie Marc Rogers but to no avail.


“Word has it that Marc doesn’t want to move up to the big club,” said power forward Gary Ahern. “He said that Fridays are out since he wants to spend more time with his teenage daughter and her friends. For example, this last Friday was homecoming. He needed to be there rather than helping a bunch of hockey players in smelly gear. I find that kind of creepy.”

Rogers is also unable to sub on Friday nights because of the IOHA collective bargaining agreement that Friday goalies get first crack at subbing.

Nolet brought in veteran goaltender Jamie Karp for a one game tryout.

“Jamie has a real good reputation of being a top notch goalie,” said part time musician Jules Nolet. “I thought we had the goalie problem solved but the Boston Red Sox lost in the AL playoffs and Jamie had a snit and wouldn’t play hockey anymore until the Bruins win the cup.”

Captain Jules had requested from Chris Knight for him to find the Otters a goalie. Knight said she should find an “A” goalie in one of the San Jose leagues. Nolet said she knew no one in those leagues, to which Knight had implied she should find some new friends.

GM Nolet is frantically looking for the goalie that will be the key to defending the title. He has even gone as far as bringing out “The Dead Man Rule”.

“I’ve been in contact with IOHA director Chris Knight about the little known Dead Man Rule found in the IOHA rule book,” said Nolet. “It states that you can bring in two dead guys to take the place of one live player. I’m looking at these two guys, both Hall of Famers, both dead.”




Jacques Plante and Terry Sawchuck , if alive, would be 80 years old. Plante won 6 Stanley Cups and Sawchuck won 4.


“I think what we would do is get both of them in their caskets and stack them up on their sides, one on top of the other,” Nolet said. “The caskets must be a least six feet long and two feet wide so that would cover the whole 4’x6’ net. The only problem I see is where to keep them between weekly games. They probably smell worst than Torelli’s equipment.”

There are several Otter players that don’t seem too concerned about the play of the team so far.

“It’s a long season,” stated mild mannered sniper Ted Brown. “It’s all about positioning and technique, just like sex.”

“Yeah, look at the Sharks last year,” chimed in veteran defenseman Warner. “I’d rather lose all the regular season games and win all three of the playoff games! It’s all about the PLAYOFFS!”



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