Interview with Charles W. Jewett , P.E.

By Richard Cranium

Reliable forward and sometimes rickety defenseman Chuck Jewett is one of two original Otters on the current team.

His storied hockey career started before face shields, plexiglass, hi-tech scoreboards and showers in the dressing rooms.

We caught up with Chuck on the phone, hands free, as he was driving a bunch of girls’ club volleyball players to a tournament.

1. Chuck, as one of the oldest players to ever lace them up, what have you seen change in hockey over the last few decades?

Before I answer any questions, I want to make sure this is not being recorded or will not be shown on any public forum. I need to keep my NSA/CIA clearance at the top level because I need my job to pay for all this gas and my IOAH monthly membership fee which I hear is going up next year.

Chuck, the blog administrator can assure you that no one will ever read this (wink, wink).

Ok then, the biggest change I’ve seen is the equipment. I used to wear rolled up Life magazines, sometimes Playboy with the pictures removed, as shin guards. There were no elbow or shoulder pads in the early days. We just used to put on a couple of layers of underwear for padding. Every pair of gloves had no palms and the pants were recycled diapers like the ones Torelli wore one game. There was no vulcanized rubber in those days so we used frozen horse turds as pucks. But the biggest change was in the head gear. We used to have a tuque

on our head since we played outdoors then hockey went indoors so we had to wear helmets to protect our heads from falling debris. This was my first helmet.


2. Since you brought up the helmet thing, yours stands out because it’s blue and we heard that it a customized one?

This is my current helmet.

I’ve outfitted it with all the modern technology. I can listen to music while I’m on the bench between shifts and call and talk with the family while I’m out there skating hard. As far as the color, hockey is a team sport but you have to have some individualism in it too. I could have had a yellow helmet but I didn’t want to look like a bumblebee. Most guys have the plain black or white helmets and just blend in. I wear this t-shirt under my jersey and it says it all.

Most people think I wear a blue helmet because I’m a Toronto or Montreal fan but that is not the case. When I was a kid this blue helmeted guy really made an impression on me.


3. I see some special padding in your helmet. Is that to keep that University of Washington/Berkeley brain intact when you hit the ice?

I have had some episodes of head smacking the ice in the last few seasons but the padding is necessary to keep my hair in place. I don’t like to get helmet head and since I never shower after the game, I want to look good up in Yak’s Corner after the game. You know I was voted nicest hair on the team for the last six years.


4. Speaking of after the game up in the Ice Oasis lounge, your team mates notice that you don’t drink beer with them. Why?

The guys have been razing me about my middle tire so I’m cutting back on the carbs. Also, at a recent Sharks game I was traumatized by these beer fans.


5. In researching for this interview, it came to light that your family stresses an education.

Yes, the missus and I both have Master degrees. She got hers from a school

that I can’t even talk about because one of my team mates goes ballistic when he hears it. I’ve been a Huskie and a Bear so I’m a macho type of guy. Our son goes to a school with ugliest football uniforms, University of Oregon Ducks.

Our daughter, hopefully will go to Cal State Monterey, the Otters, or she can go to any school in the country except Oregon State. Imagine being a girl and your school mascot is a beaver! Not cool!!!


6. Sounds like you’re going to have to lay out a lot of money for tuitions?

Not really. My son and I started a cottage industry in our garage. I go out and swipe all the broken sticks from the rink and he makes them into furniture.

It pays for his tuition. Our website:
http://cozywinters.com/skichair/

7. You seem to have an interesting job. Can you tell us about it or is it a secret with a multitude of nondisclosure agreements?

I’m a senior engineer, not a Caltrain guy, but a mechanical one with pencils and pocket protectors. I get to smash things up like bicycles, recreational equipment and medical devices.I’ve been doing it for over 30 years and every day is fun! I do sample punch tests for stress corrosion cracking and fatigue. Then our client can sue some poor bastard for negligence.

8. This season, the Otters are struggling. Do you have any insight into their performance?

There are ten of us from last season’s Otter Keg team and an import from the Wednesday Keg team, so we have the players and talent. We have won two out of the last three Kegs. Before this season, as a team, we decided to throw the regular season games. That is why we are in last place. We wanted to have fun and not be so serious, even though Ted is on injured reserve. The word around the Ice Oasis rink was the Otters were assholes. We were a tight knit group and had few openings for subs since we showed up for our games.

9. Is the strategy working?

I think so. We made it known that we aren’t assholes. As a matter of fact there is already a team of assholes. You can only have one! We’re getting the word out that we’d rather be dicks. Most of the other teams are now calling us dicks so that makes us happy. Some of the biggest dicks are on the Otter team!

10. The Otters have had a revolving door of goalies this season, around nine so far. Now you have a rookie in net. How do the playoffs look with Marty in goal?

It’s still too early to tell. Marty’s only played two games and is one and one. He missed last week’s game and will be out this Friday as he is getting an oil and lube up in Portland. I hear the Tarantula will be making a guest appearance for the 10:45pm against the Polars.

11. Do you have any words of wisdom for the readers?

Besides, always keep your head up, two hands on the stick, shoot the puck deep and always wear a helmet,

I’ll leave your audience to ponder these questions:
Why is the sky blue?
Why aren’t there sleeves on a vest?
Why doesn’t a snake have armpits?
Why is an orange orange?

And my favorite joke:
Question: If little Johnny is up high in a tree and falls out, what color is the grass?
Answer: There was no grass, he fell on concrete!

H1N1 at the IO?

By Richard Cranium

Two Fridays ago, an Otter came down with an apparent case of the swine flu.

Marty Heim the rookie netminder, who wears pads two sizes too small, had flu like symptoms the day after the game.


The team captain forced the players to a mandatory meeting at the City Pub for food and beverages after a lackluster 7pm game loss.

“I woke up on Saturday around noon and felt like shit,” said the lanky puckstop. “I didn’t want to do anything. I thought I had contracted the H1N1 virus the night before.”

Heim did recount on how he thought he got it. “Rob Genovesi was coming in on me and fired a loogie (editor’s note: wisconsin term for wad of spit and snot) in my face to distract me. I think that was the fatal bullet.”

Genovesi was visibly missing from his Wednesday night refereeing and many thought he was out with the virus.

“I do not and did not have the swine flu,” said Rob. “I was not refereeing the last two Wednesdays because I was having high colonic irrigation cleansings in preparation for my girlfriend’s Thanksgiving Day dinner.”


Heim did recover later in the day and was back to his old self as pictured in an earlier photo.


“I think I may have had too many beers and shots the night before,” Marty said sheepishly. “I really don’t know how I could have drunk so much since I only had five bucks in my wallet.”

Nonetheless, the management at the Ice Oasis is very concerned that a pandemic could erupt from the rink.

“I know we have ice with cracks and crevices in it,” said Tony. “The worst that can happen with that is a few broken legs and screwed up knees. I don’t think we want to become known as a cesspool for influenza.”

Chris Knight, director of adult hockey operations, contacted the National Institute of Health’s Dr. Vinnie Boombatz to get a better understanding of what can be done at the IO to ward off this virus.


“The virus crap stays on clothing for 48 hours and hard surfaces for 10-12 hours,” informed Boombatz. “Most human transmission is through sneezing, coughing, touching, fondling or puking on someone.”

The Ice Oasis management gathered more information and came to a conclusion.

“We must be more proactive in this situation,” said Knight after returning from the clinic for his flu vaccination. “Effective immediately, today November 31st, the Redwood City Ice Oasis is setting out these rules and protocols.”

1. The handshake lineup will be curtained until further notice. Who knows what lurks in the gloves and grows on the hands and under the fingernails.

Just shout out “good game” from a distance.

2. The referees will be outfitted with a mask and sanitary gloves along with their canes and sunglasses. These poor thankless individuals are the most susceptible to having someone spit venom on them after a bad call or no call.



3. The flush handles from all the toilets with be removed. Just imagine what’s on them!!! You can still use the toilet. It will flush automatically when the stuff gets to a certain level. This really works. Try it at home.


4. There will be no more subbing until further notice. Do you really think those sub jerseys are cleaned after each use? Remember, the virus stays on clothes for 48 hours. Also no showers will be available at the rink. For those that wish to shower after the game, arrangements have been made at this establishment down the street.


5. When entering (and exiting for that matter) the building, you must use the hand gel sanitizer. Take a big squirt of the goop, rub it on your hands and around your mouth and nose. We have live cameras in the building so we will know who doesn’t follow this rule. Your membership will be revoked.


6. Since the virus sticks to hard surfaces, we are going to be using this sanitized puck holder in all games. The goalies will love the size!


7. After a goal is scored, there will be no celebrating. Taunting and extreme celebrations have always been discouraged at the IO but accidental spitting may occur when a player yells especially that Wednesday night guy, Onur.


8. It is everyone’s responsibility to report people that look fatigued, might be wheezing, sweating or have stuff running out of their noses. We have hired a crack staff of onsite doctors to assist in helping the poor bastards out the door.


9. It is now optional, but highly recommended and may soon be mandatory, that you put your gear on at home, just like Jim Bohac, and drive to the rink. The less time you spend in the incubation, I mean, locker rooms, the better you will be.

10. We have added extra security at the Ice Oasis to keep out the sick and injured.


“By adhering to these rules, we at the Ice Oasis feel that we won’t lose anybody to the H1N1,” said Knight. “Hell, we can’t afford to lose any goalies at all!!!”

INTERVIEW with BO DALY

By Richard Cranium

Otter and Wednesday night Camel Bo Daly recently returned from a business trip to China where he purchased illegal green laser pointers. After a brief stay in the San Mateo county jail, he was off with his main squeeze to the NYC area and then on to the country of Guatemala for a cup of coffee. We caught up with him last Friday at Yak’s Corner after one of those 10:45pm games.

1. Bo, you seem to be missing a lot of games while you are jet setting around the world. Do you think that is affecting your game?


Well, I have to work to afford the fees at IOAH and the Guatemala thing was a wedding reception for friends of ours that are illegal aliens. I really did miss the games, especially Wednesday when we win. I don’t think being away hurt my game. The problem I have is with my skate sharpening. I used to fall all the time like in this picture.

On my last sharpening, I went with that new flat bottom V. It seems to be working. I’ve also been wearing these around the house to improve my balance.


2. You mentioned work. What is it that you actually do?


I can’t tell you what I do for Gazillion because of nondisclosure agreements but I can say it is in the gaming industry and I spend time in China. It’s a little like this on ice:




3. Your real given first name is Robert. How did the “Bo” moniker start?

When I was a kid, I was called Robert, Bob, Rob, Bert, Bobby, Robbie, Manny, Moe and Jack. I disliked all those names and wanted a first name that meant something to me. When I hit my teens, I played guitar and found my idol. I wanted to be named after him…Bo Diddley…so I called myself Diddley Daly. That didn’t work because I found out what it meant to be diddled ( http://www.yourdictionary.com/diddle ) I figured I would just stay with the Bo name, though I kind of like my new hockey name CUPCAKE.


4. Do you have some other interests outside of hockey and playing guitar?

Oh yes! I like to take pictures especially blurry ones with my finger in front of the lens.


I like to drive.


I go to lots of concerts. Here is one with midgets (editor’s note: little people).

I also like to eat. This is my favorite food.


It is lard made into animal figures and deep fried.


5. That looks real tasty but we heard your significant other has you on a vegetarian diet?

I do fall off the wagon at times with the deep fried lard. She keeps an eye on me like this:

and makes me eat this bland meal even the flowers:


She has a lot going on


so at times I sneak in a couple of these:



6. What is it that keeps her busy?

She is very creative and does drawings, sketches, doodles, illustrations and paintings. I modeled for this painting:


7. Do you two have any pets?

We have two cats. They are named after players on my favorite hockey team, Warner and Ahern. I was just kidding. They are called Carter and Emery after the Philadelphia Flyer guys, who are on a team that is currently behind Pittsburgh and New Jersey in their division.

8. Do they do any tricks like dogs do?

They are much smarter than dogs. Carter plays hockey

and Emery does our laundry.

Here is Carter learning to be homeless and living in a Pepsi box.


9. What is this “homeless” thing all about?

Our asshole landlady is having the building “tented” during the thanksgiving holidays. She found a dead rat that had horns

and now she wants all the tenants to move out so all the vermin can be exterminated. Karin has been in the living room practicing on how to live in the streets.


10. Sorry to hear that. Do you have any other news or personal goals that you would like to tell us?

I’ve been shaving my head for the last few years. I used to look like this:

There is a new theory that is in the early stages of research that implies if you put your head together with your friends, their hair will jump to your head as you pray.