Not So Famous Otter Quotes

By Charles Dickens

There are many good hockey quotes out there like:

“I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.” Wayne Gretzky

“You have to know how to score.” Brett Hull

“All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.” Gordie Howe

“If you moved any slower we might paint you orange and throw you out on the highway.” Old time coach

Well here are a few quips from the beloved current and former Otters.


“Oh, I have a big list and Shrek is right on top of it.” J.N.

“Pass the puck, pass the puck, pass the puck!!!” T.B.

“I never swallowed it nor did I inhale anything.” T.M.

“Boys, let’s not be so serious, are there NHL scouts in the stands?” W.W.

“What’s a warm-up?” J.P.

“Shoot, Shoot, Shoot!!!” D.W.

“I try to fly under the radar in the dressing room, be quiet so I don’t get quoted, EVER!” W.L.

“I dated her once, I dated her once, I dated her once.” A.S.

“Even though I’m a republican, I wouldn’t want a Dick Cheney type guy as my hunting partner; with my face painted and camouflage on he might think I’m a democratic tree monkey.” A.N.

“A cherry picker is a guy who stands on a ladder and gathers fruit and the only red line I know is Krutov, Larionov and Makarov.” D.S.

“I wear a do-rag because I always wanted to be a gang banger.” R.C.

“I have my hockey gear on when I get to the rink because I have to sneak out of the house when the wife has dance lessons.” J.B.

“The Ice Oasis is the only place I can play hockey and watch TV.” V.K.

“It’s real hair and my wife did go to Cornell, so what?” C.J.

“Anything you say will be held against you.” G.A.

“Who are these Otters?” S.A.


"We drink all their beer, win the game, beat them up and no one go to jail. Good times."

-Andre 'Moose' Dupont describes facing the opposition while with the notorious Philadelphia Flyers of the 70's.

Otters on Ebay?????

Dickie Dunn – Hockey Sticks & Guns/ Ammo Weekly


Following a recent game, Otters blue-liner, Jules Nolet, was overheard saying, “..you know, playing with the Otters is getting so popular, I should sell a spot..” Well, it looks like Jules is indeed a lady-of-her-word. This reporter stumbled across the following Ebay listing while searching for a Fred Ahern – California Golden Seals signed jersey.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120287567012&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fsearch%2Fsearch.dll%3Ffrom%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dm37%26satitle%3D120287567012%26category0%3D%26fvi%3D1

With all the proceeds going to charity, it once again shows that the Otters are, indeed, the most professional, community minded hockey franchise in North America.

OTTER INTERVIEW with Gary Ahern

By Richard Cranium

This reporter hooked up on the phone with the Otter’s lanky, lumbering power forward sometimes center Gary Ahern last Sunday to discuss his season. Ahern had just come out of a ten game scoring drought, having potted the game winner on Friday with less than two minutes to play against the formidable Oldtimers.

Ahern (or pronounced Eh-hern back east) is a veteran of IOHA Wednesday and Friday night leagues. As you may recall he was a key component of the Wednesday’s Desert Dogs run to the keg a few seasons ago.

Gary is affectionately called the “Stork” by his teammates because he is tall, stands on one leg and lets out a “they’re killing me” bird call when he wants the puck.

I caught up with him around 2pm. He sounded a little hungover.

1. Gary, how do you see your game shaping up this season?

“I got off to a really good start, and then the floor fell out of my game. I think I was too involved in work, especially trying to get my house remodel approved by the city. I thought I was going to run out of influence funds.”

2. Your game seems to back now. What do you attribute that to?

“During that snide I wasn’t going up with the team to drink beer in Yak’s corner. I started going back about a week ago and I was really fired up Friday night since I knew I was going to get plastered with my pals Buck, Guy, Randolph and Emmanuel Saturday night.”

3. Is that why you sound a little hungover?

“No that’s just allergies.”

4. Have you played any other sports?

“There are two other sports that I used my height to my advantage. I loved playing water polo in pools that were only six feet deep. I found that I could stand on my toes and play a really good offensive game. In college, volleyball was my sport. I was on a traveling team that played against sixth graders and as you know the net for them was a little lower, so I could spike the ball right at them.”

5. Do you still play those sports?

“No, one of those sixth grade bastards kicked me in the balls. You don’t wear a cup in volleyball so it really hurt. I wanted to have kids so I gave up the sports where there is no cup.”

6. Is that how you got into hockey?

“Yes, where else can you have a 3”x 1” round hard rubber unit come flying at you. It’s not for sissies.”

7. The sport writers have noticed that you have an unusual skating style. How did that come about?

“Well I was always real good under the water and ice is just frozen water, right? So, I studied video tapes of people (there was just Jesus) and animals that adapted from under the water to the top of the water. Here is what I learned:


8. Any thoughts on making it to the show?

“I wouldn’t mind making it to the show at IOHA Tuesdays and Sundays night. Sometimes I go there, press my nose against the glass and dream about being out there.”

9. What if you didn’t make it?

“I do have a fall back plan. I’ve been opening a string of laundromats. I use the same business model as the gardening franchise company “Mow, Blow and Go’” and the restaurant chain “Chew and Screw”. I think I’m pretty smart too since my machines only use Canadian quarters. The Canadian dollar is set to outpace the American dollar, eh?

10. Is there anyone on the Otters that you admire?

“I think Big Alan Nolet is the shit! When he gets the puck, he is like a “bitch in heat”
and the other team becomes a pack of male dogs following him around. It leaves the
rest of us open for the pass.”

Otters Outreach & Drink

Dickie Dunn – Canadian Wine & Puck Spectator



As part of the IOAH Collective Bargaining Agreement with the Players Union, each team is required to participate in community outreach programs in an effort bolster our community awareness. Some teams have chosen (or were sentenced) to provide community services by wearing orange vests and picking up trash on the sides of local highways.

Members of the Otters and Oasis chose to participate in the 28th annual Vintage Affaire Wine Auction as sommeliers for the live auction/ dinner portion of evening। A great time was had by all and some very nice wine was served and drank।
Participating players included (L-R) Emmanuel, Buck, Randolph, Guy and “Gary”

SNOOPY UPDATE

By Richard Cranium

The Ice Oasis Polars 45’s had a very successful beer outing on Thursday after their last game.

Pictured here is the happy crew.


There is always a story within a story and this one is no exception. For those of you that are too young or too nervous to participate, this writer recommends that you give it a try after you hit the 40 year mark.

In the last game, the “hat line” of Charlie Tickner, Bill Murray and Otter David Warner put on a stellar performance.



They played most of the game in the other team’s end pressuring the D with relentless forechecking. Right winger Tickner scored two goals for the Polars. And that is where the story within a story begins. One of the nice things about playing in this kind of tournament is the chance to meet new people. Sometimes you just never know who you will meet or in this case play with.

“When the game started, I found myself centering two different lines since Rex Mann was late in arriving,” said Otter Warner, “after the second or third shift, I had Tickner on right and Murray on the left. We were three out of the four oldest players on the team but we played like kids that had a lot of heart and desire.”

What Warner and Murray didn’t know is that they were playing with a World champion and an Olympic medalist. Tickner in 1978 was the World’s men figure skating champion. He was the USA number one men’s champion for four years 1977 to 1980 and won a bronze Olympic medal in 1980 at Lake Placid.

Here are Tickner’s stats:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Tickner

Charles Tickner (born November 13, 1953 in Lafayette, CA) is an American figure skater who won the gold medal at the 1978 World Figure Skating Championships, skating to music from Georges Bizet's Carmen and Jules Massenet's Le Cid (opera) for his long program. He also won the bronze medal at the 1980 Winter Olympics and the 1980 World Championships.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpKf5m0tCoM


“I had no idea that Charlie came up through the figure skating ranks,” Warner said after the game, “I could see he could skate well and he did score three times in the three games we played. He was real competitive out there.”

When asked on the phone what the similarities and differences were in figure skating and hockey Tickner said, “well, in both sports you get yelled at on and off the ice but in figure skating nobody tries to whack you with a stick when you are on the ice, they wait until you are off the ice to do that!”

OLD CODGER UPDATE

By Richard Cranium

The Snoopy tournament in Santa Rosa is in full swing. Only one of the Otter players’ teams have put a mark in the W column. Another had one point for a tie.

The 60C Ed McKnight team lost a close one in OT.

Ed said...
As it happens, the elderly Ice Oasis Iron(ic) Rangers not only managed to score a goal...they scored 4. Down 0-3 midway through the 2nd, they came back with 4 unanswered only to see their lead taken away with 90 sec remaining. They lost with 26seconds left in an exciting overtime.

In their second game, the New York Golden Apples juiced them 10-2.

As reported earlier, the 45 team was slammed in their first game. They fared better late Monday night losing a close one 4-3 to a Vancouver, Canada team. Even though they lost, Otter Warner scored the first goal and was seen smiling as he drove home.

Tom Muthig’s 60B won their first game but lost to the Olde Crabs 7-2 on Tuesday.

The three teams finish up the tournament on Thursday and Friday. Looks like Muthig will miss the 10:45pm Otter game on Friday.

The Ice Oasis’s 40 starts play on Friday at 9:10am with another game on Saturday and one on Sunday. Otter Sergei Anufriev will suit up and star for that team. It is unknown if Sergei will be back in time for the Friday game.

SPORTS CORNER 7-14-08

By Gordie Who

There has been lots of talk recently at the Ice Oasis about the Nolets moving out of state in the next few weeks. As you know, big Alan has been traveling the last few months looking for land. There is also talk that Jules and Alan might be fleeing the country since they both have “questionable” American residency status. They could not be reached for comment since no one can find them. This “problem” should not have any bearing on the GM Aden, since he was born in the good old USA.



It appears Otter’s stalwart forward Chuck Jewett might be going on the injured reserve list. A few strains of hair may have fallen out and now need to be replugged into his head or restitched to the wig.

Newly acquired developmental player Tirso is getting rave reviews from his Wednesday night Oasis team. “We know that we won’t have him here for long,” said Oasis GM Bulslaw Udowski. “He came here with a reputation of a ladies’ man so we know he has great hands. His foot action and skating has improved remarkably. He just needs to work on his shot and goal scoring in order to get the Otters.”

A big party is on tap for the Otters and their developmental team Oasis. It looks like Saturday August 23rd can be circled on the calendar for the bash in Belmont.

Rumor has it that Otter wantabe and Oasis developmental player Bo Daly may be moving back east shortly. More will follow on this story.

The Otters have now won five in a row. Last Friday was a 6-3 contest against the Falcons. Unofficially, the Otters are 11-3-1 for the season. Developmental team Oasis is 7-9-0.

"SENIOR" Otter Update

By Richard Cranium

The 2008 Snoopy’s Senior World Hockey Tournament got underway this past Sunday, July 13th, in Santa Rosa, California.

Two current Otters and two former Otters lined up on three teams. Oldster Tom Muthig suited up for the 60B Berkeley Bears. David Warner was on 45 Ice Oasis Polars as was former Otter Walter Whiteside. Former Otter Ed McKnight tended goal and played up for the 60C Ice Oasis Iron Rangers.

Muthig’s Bears appear to have been the only winner, beating the Colorado Cougars 8-7.
The 45 team had a long drive home after being thrashed 7-0 by Oakland’s Ice Hawks.
McKnight played in a late game before the blog went to press. If they won, it would be a miracle.

The current and former Ice Oasis teams seem to always have a problem putting the puck in the net.

“My goal,” said Warner, “is to get a goal. It will make the 170 mile roundtrip drive more pleasurable.”

That might be tough since the 45’s have a 11:25pm Monday game against a tough Richmond Avalanche and play the number one Indiana Irish Rovers at 10:45am on Thursday.

Muthig was a little more upbeat. “We won the first game in a squeaker, so we are now fired up having had our Geritol,” Muthig said while draining a beer.

McKnight had said earlier, “all games start out 0-0.”

Pictured here is CENTER David Warner with his two wingers.

Midseason acquisition

Dickie Dunn – Charleston Press

The Otters announced Wednsday that they have acquired Ice Oasis mainstay , Tirso from the Yaks and assigned the up-and-coming centerman to the team’s top development team, the IOAH Oasis.. Speaking from the Board of Governors meetings in Boston, Otter GM Aden Nolet said, “Tirso is the new face of Ice Oasis hockey. We have watched the young lad develop quickly and felt that he now would fit into our system nicely. Although we don’t have room under the salary cap to bring him up to the Otters right now, we need to keep our eyes on the future, Heck my dad is like 50 now and I don’t know how much more hockey he has in him…”

Tirso responded to his first game in green by scoring one of the prettier goals, this reporter has seen. For those who might have missed the game, I posted video of Tirso’s goal.

In other game related news. Tirso’s nimble goal was not the only remarkable event of the night. Defenseman David Warner was spotted on ice playing LEFT defense. Additionally, Warner, still angered by the fact that his fellow teammates failed to notice his shaved upper lip several months back, registered another two goal performance.

Nursing a career high 9 game goalless slump, Otter’s lumbering forward Gary Ahern, seemed to vent some building frustration late in the third when he took a Sahara Desert defenseman into the glass and finished with what could only be described as a “textbook check”. “It’s not often you sit in the penalty box and have the referee skate by and give you props for a solid check” said Ahern.

Other Otter Related news briefs:

Is there any truth in the rumor that in light of rising gas prices, Ted will be selling his American made muscle-car and looking into buying a Smartcar? “Only if they will paint rally stripes on it” said the plucky forward.

There has been “careless whispers” going around the locker rooms mentioning and upcoming Kegg'r Party….I am sure there will be more to follow….

Dicky Dunn out!

HAPPY 4th of JULY

Another Otter Ages

By Richard Cranium
Assisted Living Center
Belmont, California


As previously written in an article today, another otter aged.

As it seems in most of these blogs, controversy surrounds this event.

It has been rumored that Otter forward/defenseman Dave Warner has been using a special substance that gives him energy and changes the color of his mustache.

In an in depth interview with Warner last night at a secret special place these questions were asked:

1. Do you take anything before a game that improves your energy

“I usually eat a Butterfingers and drink water. I find the sugar content of the bar kicks in around the third period. I also like it because the crumbs stick between my teeth and I have all my teeth, never lost one in a game.”

2. What about other times? Do you use anything that might be considered illegal?

“I don’t quite understand the question.”

3. Well it has been noted that your mustache has changed colors over the last 12 months, from light to dark to light to dark to light to dark.

“Well when I hit 50 my hair started to gray and my moustache stayed brown. After a few years, it looked a little odd having gray hair and a dark moustache. I looked a little like a porn star. I went out and got some Touch of Gray from Just for Men and lightened up my moustache. It went almost white with some gray in it.

4. I notice now your moustache is a light brown color. Why is that?

“Around this time last year, I started to notice that I really couldn’t see my moustache since it was so light so I shaved it off. No one said a word about it.”

5. No one?

“My wife was pissed off.”

6. OK but it has been said that your mustache gets darker at times. What is that all about?”

“I think some of that has to do with the lighting and time of day. Also as you get older the hormones change so that might have something to do it with it.”

7. Is there anyone in particular on the Otters that you admire?

“I really like Chuck Jewett’s hair. He’s got a full head of hair. It might be a rug.
Even after a game having worn a helmet, his hair stills looks good. He never takes a shower so maybe he is using some sort of special gel. You might want to investigate that.”

8. One last question, what are your political/social views?

“I would like to think that I lean more to the liberal left. That is why I like to play right wing. It
makes me more centered.”

Russian Otters Despondent

By Richard Cranium
Siberian, Russia

The headline said it “FINAL: Spain 3-0 Russia” in the Euro 2008 semifinal football game. With that, the three Friday night IOHA Russian Otters hit the floor.

Dmitri Smirnov, CFO of the fresh air company Doless and Semore, commented, “Next to ice hockey and tobogganing, football is our sport. If our star player Boris Badenov was playing we would have had a better chance. Instead he was off gallivanting with Natasha Fatale.”

Val Kasvin said, “If they had put another 30 minutes on the mystery clock, I think we would have tied it up.”

Sergei Anufriev expressed his concern by saying, “I think they should take the team, put them up against a wall and shoot them!”

Spain went on to beat Germany in the final game.

Another Hanky Panky in Redwood City?

By Richard Cranium
Redwood City

Is the Ice Oasis on Bay Rd in Redwood City turning into another establishment like the infamous Hanky Panky on El Camino?

This reporter stopped in for a beverage late one night only to hear a large gathering of men shouting, screaming and pounding on the tables in the upstairs VIP lounge. I t appeared that there might have been a tattooed, pierced table dancer working the crowd.

In the past, the Ice Oasis was known for its family atmosphere but lately it has become a “pick-up joint” where referees date players, players date players, employees date players and employees date employees. It has been rumored that marriages have terminated because of the shenanigans.

Ken Yackel, owner of the Ice Oasis, has expressed his concerns, “I know it is difficult to control the hormones on the ice but I think the emotions have now crept onto the dry land. Even my ice herder is getting into the act.”

Yackel has mentioned a sizeable increase in the monthly fee and raising the individual adult league charge might be in the works. By doing that, it would keep out the local riff raff who couldn’t afford to hang out at the Oasis.

This Day in History

1894 The first electric toothbrush was invented in Grovers Mill, New Jersey.
1906 Residents reported seeing a "metallic disk" hovering over the desert near what would later be know as Las Vegas.
1950 David Warner was born .
1953 David Warner falls off his new CCM tricycle and skins his knee.
1966 As a 16th birthday "gift" David has his first sexual encounter with his high-school girl-friend, Becky Sweetwater.
1967 His Boston University teamates give David Warner a wooden hockey stick as a birthday gift. (some believe it is the same stick he still uses today)
1971 David Warner is found passed out laying in a gutter outside a Niagra Falls drinking establishment after celebrating his 21st birthday.
2008 David Warner spends his 58th birthday in the hospital ER when he develops a strange rash from his new maple leaf tattoo .

From the entire Otter Hockey Club, Happy Birthday David.

We tracked down Ms Sweetwater for this special birthday greeting.

Hedican an Otter?

Seattle Fish Head Times

Rumors about the Otters possibly signing Bret Hedican are rampant because he left Carolina saying he wanted to be closer to the Bay Area home of his wife Kristi Yamaguchi.“We’ve had conversations with Brett and will continue to,” said GM Aden Nolet

Locker room Humor...WARNING adult content

here are a couple of clips submitted by adults

Friday Otters vs Yaks

By Richard Cranium

Redwood City California
June 27 2008
Reprint posting

It was all about the pads in Friday night’s Otters vs Yaks game. Otter goalie, Jim Pozzabon came out for the warm-ups and stymied the Yak shooters in an 8-5 game.

Many a time Pozzabon had a one-two stop on the dark shirted sharpshooters. After the game, he was rewarded with a contract extension and will be the goalie for the rest of the season and the playoffs.

At the other end, sub goalie Bo Daly was bombarded with shots and played a really good game though there were times it seemed he was going in circles from the Otters relentless attacks.

Late in the first period, the Yaks went up 3-2. During the period change, Yak goalie Daly was heard saying something to Otter defenseman Dave Warner.

“He challenged me,” said Warner after the game. “He really pissed me off in saying I had no shot. I took the $20 that he gave at the beginning of the game out of my cup, gave it to him and said Game’s On!.”

Warner then took a nice feed pass from Jules Nolet and one timed it high past Daly to tie the score. That seemed to spur the Otters on as they scored three quick goals to go ahead 6-3.

The Yaks did come back in the third to narrow the score 6-5 but a nice defensive tip in by Rob Caplan made the score 7-5 late in the third.

There were two other paddings in the game. With the Yak goalie pulled for an extra attacker, Otter forward Val Kasvin shot into the empty net with one second to play.

“I felt like I have to pad my stats since I’m in my contract year,” Kasvin explained. “Jeez, Warner padded his tonight, shooting through our goalie’s five hole. If he can do it why can’t I?”

Suspiciously missing from the Otter lineup was little Alan Scheer who was out trolling for chicks and big Alan Nolet who was reported to being in Idaho trying to join a militia (see Atherton couple arrested).

Atherton Couple Released amidst Protest and Questions

Atherton Couple Released amidst Protest and Questions

By Richard Cranium
Palo Alto Daily News
July 1, 2008

Atherton couple Jules and Alan Nolet were released and will be not be charged for being in possession of the priceless IOAH tournament trophy. It was all a misunderstanding of sorts.

This situation is not without some controversies and questions. Exclusive pictures of the Nolets’ early Saturday morning mug shots show big Alan in his face painted camouflage look and Jules in her not face painted look.

Homeland Security (formerly INS) is looking into the facts and believes both Nolets might be illegal aliens. Jules Nolet was heard talking in a different language (click and clacks) and the word “list’ was mentioned a number of times. Alan Nolet is believed to be involved in the “Golden Knights”, which is either a S&M cult or a subversive clan located in Canada. Nolet could be pronounced as Nooooolet like in French Canadien Canada. He is also known to play lacrosse, Canada's national sport and goes around the house just wearing a number 22 jersey.



Upon their release, a large crowd gathered at the Redwood City courthouse protesting cruel punishment to animals. The Ducks, represented by Donald, Daffy, Huey, Dewey and Louie, and Bambi, Thumper and Flower were outside carrying picket signs.

“I don’t really know who that little dark haired one is,” said Donald, “but that tall lanky guy has been creeping around our bushes and hanging out in our trees trying to put an arrow in one of our asses.”

How this will affect the Otter team remains to be seen.

More postings MAY follow.

Otter Injury News

Redwood City (AP)

Otter defenseman Alan Sheer missed Friday, June 27th game due to a ‘lower body’ injury according to team sources. TMZ later caught Mr. Sheer on camera by one of its paparazzi going in and out of several bars at Valley Fair in San Jose that same night. When asked about this, GM Aden Nolet had no comment, but that the team was looking into it and will be handled internally. Meaning possible fines might be handed out if it is true. Nolet was later overheard yelling to one of his assistants, “WTF, we don’t pay this guy to troll for chicks, we pay him to play hockey”.

On other injury news. Defenseman Tom Muthig returned to action after missing the prior game due to an ‘upper body’ injury. Asked how he felt afterwards. Muthig replied, “I feel really good. I’m a little stiff now after the game. But I felt I played well and that it shouldn’t bother me for any upcoming games”. Asked what the doctors had advised him. Muthig said “They said not to use my head as a braking device when sliding into the boards”. To which the reporter commented “No Shit Sherlock”.