Otters’ Last Season?

By Richard Cranium

With only 7 games left on the schedule, this may be the last season for the beloved Otters of the IOAH.

Word out of the Zamboni parking area is the Otter players will be going their own separate ways and the colorful teal jerseys and socks will be burned.

“I’ve overheard many stories from the players about their intentions for next year,” snitched Tirso. “I can hear every conversation from every locker room through the HVAC system that was set up by Yackel. I speak three languages, English, Spanish and profanity so nothing gets by me.”

This reporter caught up with captain Jules Nolet and a few other players in order to get a better insight to what is going on with the defending Keg champions and current season cellar dwellers.

When asked if the Otters were disbanding Nolet said, “I can’t speak for the other guys but the Friday night games are cutting into my piano and guitar endeavors. It’s not fun losing every game and listening to all the negative chirping. Jeez, there’s one guy that goes mute in the dressing room and another guy goes home and beats the wife and kids after the loss. I’m going to focus my attention on my upcoming “Heart of Gold” tour.” Nolet did say she will be playing at the Fox Theater in Redwood City this Saturday night as the opening act for Pee Wee Herman.


Original Otter Tommy Muthig was found wandering around the streets of Redwood City and could only say, “I’m distraught about this whole mess. I haven’t been able to play the last two games. My body aches so I’m going to retire and move back to Michigan in this house.”

Another original Otter, blue helmeted Chuck Jewett commented on his future plans. “I won’t be able to play at all next season. I’m becoming a full time chauffeur for a high school volleyball team and when I’m not doing that I’ll be in Oregon visiting my son and showing him the ropes of college life.”

Two of the current players are moving out of the area. Jeremy “Doc” Wilkerson is going to New York City and speedy forward Robert “Bo” Daly is relocating to China.

“I have this great opportunity to hone my shrink skills in NYC. There are millions of nut jobs there and the diversity of the psychos makes me salivate. People here in the Bay Area only go crazy when they can’t afford to send their kids to private schools. These are the people that I want to work with,” said number eleven.

Daly will be starting an import/export business in Beijing. “With the success I’ve had with my illegal green laser pointer, I was on the lookout for a new product. I found it in this hands free urinal. The “holder” comes in different sizes from xxsmall to xxxl but mine is very unique in that it has adjustments for different girth sizes which is more important,” grinned Daly.


Otter general manager, Aden Nolet, was contacted during morning recess and had some very candid comments about the future of current Otters.

“We have four guys that are first season Otters. Robert Kummeral is going to take over Ted Brown’s Monday evening skate in Belmont. Jun Wei Bao is been sent back to the Wednesday night team. Vic Vong is being treated for a foot fetish and Marty Heim is just Marty.”

Nolet also said veteran players Val Kasvin and Bill Murray will be moving on. “Murray is joining the Ice Oasis travelling Snoopy Alzheimer team so he won’t really know where he is and Val is heading back to Tuesday nights to be with Sergei and Dmitri.”

Three other veteran Otters are changing careers so their Friday night playing days are over.

“I’m going to be a financial consultant in third world countries,” voiced rearguard “sometimes forward but not this season” David Warner. “With my new Google language translator I can go into those countries and bullshit those people with the “buy low, sell high”, “don’t take any wooden nickels” and “give me your money” strategies. Hei voin olla aivan kuten meidän Keskiviikon maalivahti, Marc Rogers!"


Power forward Gary Ahern (pronounced ah-HERN), will be giving up his business, Focal Point Design in Menlo Park.

“I’ve pretty much done everything I set out to do in the architectural world. I built our house and remodeled the in-laws so I feel kind of empty right now,” said the raspy voiced team penalty leader. “I want to develop my softer side so I’m going into the anger management field to help less fortunate people.”

This is his new work poster:

Hunter and entrepreneur Alan Nolet was hesitant in discussing his future plans. The mild mannered New Englander seems to be stuck in this period of his life.


“I’ve pretty much known what and where I wanted to go in life. I think I’ve delayed my mid life crisis until now,” said the soft spoken former lacrosse player. “I’ve always wanted to be Jeremiah Johnson but my hunting and killing days are over.”

The likeable Nolet did say he had “many irons in the fire” that would force him to give up Friday night hockey.

“Whatever happens to all these present and former Otters, I just want them to know that we have been more than a team, we have been a family!”